It all started back in the days of Wii Fit when I first began to use that little balance board. My new friend, the Wii, began to critique my every move, and kept informing me on a regular basis that I was "unbalanced". After a while I became annoyed enough that I began to talk back to it. I claimed I wouldn't be unbalanced if it would only sit still, or that the floor was uneven, or that it was easy for it to talk with that low gravity centre.
Our computers, IPads, cell phones and tablets all speak to us the way we do when we're trying to explain the unexplainable to a backwards toddler. They say, "Sigh (if a computer can sigh) Really? You can't remember an 8 digit password? Try again." or "Error, transaction unavailable." What they really mean is, "Step away from the computer, before you do permanent damage." Then, if we still don't get the point, they simply freeze us out, quicker than a Maitre'd turning away a hippie at a black tie event.
Then there's the app My Fitness Pal which criticizes every item I enter into my food diary. "You are over your sugar intake goal for today," or "That food is high in saturated fat." I know, I know, but it's Girls' Night Out and I think I deserve my share of the twenty dollar dessert with the mountain of whipped cream and caramel sauce. Talk to me tomorrow when I'm eating salad and cardboard crackers.
For my birthday I got a FitBit, a lovely device to help me count my steps and my heart rate and even my sleep quality. It likes to get its digs in as well. This morning I was off schedule and when I felt the little buzz from the FitBit I checked to find it displayed the message. "Take Me for a walk?" It has become pushier than my dog Clio.
But the worst thing is that now I think the gizmos are working as a team. My Fitness Pal sneaks to the FitBit about the low level of my diet and then the Fit Bit carries through with the mission to force me into action. One is bad enough but when you're facing a conspiracy?
I dread what it's going to be like when we all have household robots to help us with our lives. Will they be intolerant of our clutter? Will they call us slobs? Will they make catty remarks about the state of our bathtub? Of course we could play their game and set them against each other. Maybe we could claim it was all the fault of the robot vacuum or the automatic bathroom cleaner. Or that the other devices are hogging all the battery power.
I think I'm doomed to a future of being imperfect in a perfectly perfect robot world.